Mer's World

Warning: this post may not be suitable for male family members  (Hi, Dad!), male friends (Hi Dave, Hi Jim!), or friends who just don’t want to hear about it…  Don’t worry, I’m not offended!

I’m writing this not to make anyone feel uncomfortable, so if the topic doesn’t interest you, come back another day!  There is a lot of information out there about breast-feeding versus formula-feeding, so I wanted to add my firsthand experience to the information floating out there.  It’s a very personal choice and I would urge you to research your options and figure out what is best for you.  And, be prepared to change directions, if needed.  As I’m quickly learning, life with a baby doesn’t always go as planned!

Ahhh… breastfeeding.  The natural way to feed your baby.  It gives your baby lots of nutrients and immunities to protect them in the earlier stages of life and development.  Promotes bonding between mom and baby, which will eliminate any problems when they are teenagers… I’ve been hearing all of this since I got knocked up and I was committed to giving it a try.  Sounds great, right?

How hard could it be?

My first attempt at breastfeeding wasn’t all quiet music, dim lights, comfy chair with a deep emotional connection with my baby.  Rather, my baby was put on my chest in the OR, as I was transferred to a different bed and wheeled down the hallway to the recovery room.  We got there, the nurse put the brakes on the bed and basically yanked my top down and shoved Maddie onto my exposed boob.  Nothing happened- except a look of terror from some random man in the opposite recovery area, frantically trying to find some cold water for his recovering wife.

Since nothing happened, the nurse started to tug on areas that are usually covered by my bathing suit, all while I tried to wrap my head around this squiggly baby that I was holding for the first time and answer the questions from the steady stream of medical staff that marched through the recovery area (anesthesia, OB, nurses, etc).  Brian stood by looking shell-shocked (he should have gone with the guy across the room and gotten a beer…).

Did I mention that the nurse is still tugging on me at this point?  Torture.  I’m a pretty private person, and nothing about this process was private.  If I could do it again, I would have had Brian tug the curtain closed tightly and stand outside guarding the ‘door’, while the nurse and I took a quiet moment to try and get the baby to latch.  There was too much going on.  I was too embarrassed and self-conscious for it to go well.  Oh, and let’s not forget the fact that I was more then a little drugged from the procedure.  Plus, as I’ve learned, I’ve got flat/inverted nipples, so there’s not too much to latch onto anyway…

Anyway, she didn’t latch and enough time had passed that now they had to take a blood glucose test.  For infants, our hospital looks for test results over 40.  Maddie tested at 20.  The nurse insisted that we offer a bottle, which I had barely cracked open before a neonatal specialist walked in and said that Maddie needed to be taken to the NICU for immediate treatment and monitoring due to the blood sugar reading.  She grabbed (ok, that’s what it felt like, but it was probably more like gently removed?!) her and before I could even really speak (past the lump in my throat) she was wheeled out of the room (and the guy across the room was left looking at both my naked boobs…).

And, that’s how Maddie (and Brian!) ended up in the NICU, one floor below, while I sat alone in recovery waiting for text message updates from Brian and doing everything I could to get released from the OR floor and into our postpartum room.

Once I got settled into my room, I was given permission to go via wheelchair to the NICU floor to visit Maddie.  It was hell getting out of the bed, but I am so glad that I was given incentive to move so quickly after the surgery.  I think it really helped my personal recovery.

Anyway, we made it up to the NICU, where a kind nurse took one look at my boobs, deemed them unworthy and slapped a nipple shield on me before basically plowing Maddie’s head into my chest.  And, I looked out the wide-open picture window at the cityscape of downtown Boston.  It was a very frustrating process.  I wasn’t really knowledgable about nipple shields, how to use them properly or what impacts they might have on future milk production (a lot!).  We ended up doing a lot of snuggling and not much nursing while in the NICU, and instead she was fed formula by bottle to ensure her blood glucose levels remained stable.  She was also offered a pacifier at some point in the process (couldn’t tell you when!)…

We made it through the first day, managed a little sleep downstairs in our postpartum room and were back up in the NICU early the next morning.  (Side note of humor: Did I tell you that the second morning, Brian called the NICU and ordered coffee, since he got the numbers confused when dialing in his tired state…)

Again we tried to nurse with the nipple shield and Maddie gave a minimal effort, but really preferred the bottle!  And, she had a low blood glucose in the evening and was held even longer in the NICU, so we were supportive of them providing her formula at regular intervals to ensure that her levels stayed even.  At some point on Tuesday a breast pump was wheeled into my room, and I was told to pump regularly (what does that mean?!) and given a crash course in how to operate it.  Now, here is the really hairy part.  At this point, my long-lasting pain meds are fading and I’ve got a headache building that beats all headaches I’ve ever had.  I start taking the pain meds offered, pretty much solely for the headache and minimally for discomfort related to the c-section.

Information provided over Tuesday and Wednesday is a complete blur.  Nothing clicked.  I kept going through the motions, doing what I was told and feeling completely miserable and disconnected from the entire process.  I was just getting ready to cry to Brian on Thursday morning that something else was wrong with me, when the most amazing nurse on the floor, stopped by and started asking me a million questions (I think she got that the fact I was lying in bed, unshowered and crying was not normal!).  Before long she had a team of doctors in the room to evaluate me and was wheeling me up to the labor and delivery OR for a secondary spinal blood patch procedure.

A freaking miracle.  They take your own blood and inject it into your spine to heal the leak (caused by the spinal block).  It was the only time in the hospital that I said really bad words directed to the medical staff.  The rest of the time I was on my best behavior, but at that particular moment, the pain in my back from the procedure and the pain in my head from the pressure got the best of me. Again, my apologies, Dr. Mike from Madison, WI.

So, now it’s Thursday afternoon, by the time they release me from recovery and I’m just starting to clue into the information that’s been floating around me.  Oh, and I start pumping and trying to learn how to nurse with Maddie.  We gave it an honest try.  I met with a lactation consultant at the hospital and took home a plan that involved nursing 8-12 times a day, supplementing with formula when she screamed her head off and pumping for 5-10 minutes after each feeding to boost my supply.

Man, that sounds great on paper, but it is a helluva lot of work in real life.  We gave it a good girl scout try.  For 3 weeks.  I fed (with the shield each time), supplemented (after each feeding!) and then pumped.  It took about 1.5-2 hours per feeding and then we started over again.  I was told to look for cues after nursing that she might still be hungry and then offer a bottle.  I’m no expert, but I took screaming her head off at an extreme volume as ‘still hungry’.  So, we fed bottles, pretty soon it got to be after almost every feeding and a little more each time.  And, then I got sick.

Mastitis.  You know anything with *tit* in the middle is going to give you problems!!  ;-)  A 102 degree fever, a flaming red boob and pain like needles every time we nursed.  And, the cure, more nursing.  Ouch.  It took 2 days for it to clear up the first time.  And, then it came back with a vengeance.  The day after my mother flew home.  Our first day on our own.  I spent it sleeping on the couch while poor Brian brought Maddie to me to nurse several times a day and he set up the pump next to me on the couch so I didn’t even have to move.  Pain. Ful.

All that nursing and pumping should have increased my milk supply.  After all, milk is a matter of supply and demand.  It didn’t.

My tits are like the Sahara Desert of milk production.  I’ve worked with my local La Leche League group leader, I’ve met with a private lactation consultant.  I’ve followed their plans to a T (2200 calorie diet, 150 oz of water, nursing/pumping every 2-3 hours, etc).

It didn’t work.

For whatever reason, and there are many that we could name: Maddie’s time in the NICU, her poor latch, our delayed ‘rooming in’, my flat/inverted nipples, the nipple shield hindered the supply, the spinal leak, stress, delayed milk due to diabetes/c-section, crappy milk ducts, nursing just didn’t work for us.

So, after doing everything I could (and I feel strongly that I’ve given this my all!), we have gone to formula.

And, get this, it’s not the end of the world.

Maddie is happy, she’s gaining weight, she sleeps, she smiles, she gurgles and hopefully she’ll still get into Harvard (if that’s where she wants to go!).  While I do believe in supporting breastfeeding Moms, I believe even more in doing what’s best for you, your baby and knowing when to throw in the towel and say ‘I gave it my best shot’.

So, this is a really long post, that will hopefully help some new mom or mom-to-be feel confident in whatever decision they have to make, in whatever circumstances are thrown their way.  You go girl.  You do whatever is best for you, your baby and stand strong.

I would suggest that you do a few things differently then I did though.

First, YouTube has great information and wonderful videos on breastfeeding and proper latching, but honestly, splurge on the appointment and meet with a local lactation consultant before you deliver.  Know your body and your challenges ahead of time and navigate a game plan with their guidance- if you decide to go that direction.

Second, don’t be afraid to speak up at the hospital if things aren’t going the way you want them too.  It wasn’t until Thursday afternoon when I told Brian that I needed an hour without any interruptions and to ‘catch my breath’, that I started to feel more confident about the situation and the best way to handle some of my concerns.

Third, if you feel strongly about breastfeeding versus formula, stick to your guns.  As long as it makes sense for you.  Then, adjust as needed.  I was dedicated to breastfeeding, until I realized that poor Maddie was burning more calories trying to nurse and she was actually losing weight after a month of breastfeeding… shit happens.  Don’t be afraid to go full speed in one direction and then realize that it isn’t the right choice for you and your baby.  Do what is best for both of you.  And, ask for help and support along the way!

And, with that, I’m tucking my mommy guilt away (I figure there is plenty more time for that!), grabbing a bottle for Maddie and snuggling up on the couch for some quality mommy/daughter time.

XO, Mer

Since you followed my pregnancy, I figure it’s only fair to follow our journey into motherhood…

I think rather then weekly updates, I’ll focus on monthly updates.  It felt like things changed weekly during the pregnancy, and now it feels like weeks fly by and I’ll be lucky to remember a monthly update

Obviously this is a personal journey and one that is different for every person.  My thought is to provide my perspective and opinion on what’s worked for us, what hasn’t, etc.  The more we get settled, the more I’m a firm believer in doing what’s best for you, your family and your baby!  You take advice (that comes from every direction) and forge your own path (breastfeeding, formula, eating on demand, eating on a schedule, disposable diapers, cloth diapers, the list goes on…).

Mind

What a hormonal rollercoaster we are on…  I thought that the end of pregnancy was bad- add in some fatigue, recovery from a major procedure (two major procedures, if we count the emergency spinal patch I had to have to repair the leak in my spine from the spinal block..), and learning how to live with a newborn and shit gets rough.  It would impossible not to have good and bad days- and to question how you are doing and how things are going.  And, as if that wasn’t enough… add in a terrorist attack on your city, a city wide shutdown and manhunt, several doctors appointments in guarded buildings with SWAT teams swarming, in-laws coming to visit and your mother being diagnosed with malignant melanoma (she’ll be fine!).  Honestly, all I wanted was a quiet house to just sit, reflect and find my balance (which I can’t do in a whole lot of clutter and people in my space!).

The hospital was a constant stream of people- at all hours of the day, and coming home was no different.  With my mom it was a little easier to say OK, I need some space can you take Maddie… it was much harder with my in-laws visiting, plus my Mom and then Brian home all weekend (he usually works Saturdays).  I felt like my world was all cluttered with kind, well-meaning people who I really just wanted to go away (and get your hands off my damn baby!).  Just keeping it real here… the feelings definitely faded as time went on, but the first two weeks were really hard to adjust to all the changes, keep an even keel and deal with everyone that was so bubbly, happy about meeting Maddie and coming over to visit.  I hated feeling unkind or grumpy, which made it even worse, but when I screamed ‘get the f*uck out of my house’ while standing in the kitchen, I kinda meant it.  It’s amazing what even an additional week did to make me feel more settled and ‘even’.  Time, sleep, a good diet and a little fresh air helped me immensely.

My doc warned that the first four weeks would be very hard to manage, and she was right.  Once we got more into the swing of things, once I felt a little more confident caring for Maddie, and my house was a little more together (thank you, Mom!) I started to feel more like myself.  The combo of hormones, fatigue and all the changes is rough in the beginning.  I wish there was a secret recipe, but you really just have to power through it and surround yourself with people that you are comfortable with!

Ok, all that, and a side of breastfeeding.  I’m a pretty private person, minus the whole blog thing, but I’m not a fan of having my body exposed and here I am with my boob out shoving it in the babies face while she screams, I cry (that shit can hurt in the beginning!) and (it feels like) the whole world (or my living room) is watching.  If I could do it again, I’d say to everyone that came into my house the first month, ‘I’m not comfortable breast feeding with others in the room, so when it’s time to feed Maddie, would you mind excusing yourself to one of the other rooms?’.  Instead, I trekked upstairs (and bleed heavily for days afterwards).  But, I didn’t want to feel rude or make any more waves then I had to, so I figured it was easier for me to be the one to move.  And, because diabetes is a real bitch and messes with your milk production, I also had to pump after feeding (while someone else supplemented her with a bottle), which then meant I had to spend anther 30 minutes connected to the titty twister machine, somewhere near a plug…

Now, after almost a month, it’s a different story.  We are a lot more efficient in our feeding process (mainly because Maddie is a bit more coordinated, I’m a bit more ‘with it’ and I’m not pumping after feeding anymore), so it wouldn’t be so uncomfortable to get her settled using a blanket or cover, with others in the room.  If you are a new mom, and just learning how to breastfeed, be selfish and do everything you can to be relaxed and comfortable.  Trust me, it will make it easier to adjust and it’s something that I really regret.

All that being said and done, I think we are headed in the right direction, but I can see how postpartum depression and the ‘baby blues’ are very real issues and a very real concern.  Those bad days can be ugly, the fatigue crippling and the emotions intense.  I felt like I had the support from Brian and my Mom to help me get through it, but without one of those pieces in place, I think I would have needed some additional support (and wouldn’t have hesitated to reach out for it!).  Be kind to the new moms in your life- they are going through hell (and feeling the most overwhelming amount of love at the same time!!).

Body

Well, I gained a solid 20lbs according to the final doctor’s chart at our last appointment.  I fluctuated by ~2lbs in the end, thank you swollen ankles.

I ended up exactly where my doctors advised and I was pretty proud of that!  I worked out (low intensity!) through almost the entire pregnancy (the last few weeks I slacked!).

When I got home from the hospital, I was back down to my pre-pregnancy weight.  It’s funny thought, the number is the same, but the body is different.  I can wear my pre-pregnancy clothes, but I can tell that my body is still retaining some of the pregnancy shape (doc advised this could take ~3 months to resolve while uterus heals).

All in all, I am feeling pretty good.  Pain faded in 3rd week, with only minor twinges when I move certain ways (twisting in bed, getting up from the floor, etc).

My incision is almost invisible and the bruising on my back has mostly faded (it bloomed across my entire low back from the spinal and spinal repair).

One of the biggest challenges I’ve faced is with breastfeeding.  I ended up with some painful cuts, which lead to mastitis- a 102 fever, chills, and a big, red infected boob.  It’s happened twice- once was minor and cleared up in a day, and then a few days later came back with a vengeance and took 3 days to feel better (fever broke in a day).  I used warm compresses, lots of nursing/pumping, resting and lots, and lots of water to beat it.

Here’s hoping that doesn’t happen again!

I’m not cleared for working out yet, but I have started to take an afternoon stroll around the block.  Not far and not fast, more for fresh air and a little sunshine then anything!

Here are some pictures for you:

1 Week Post-partum

1 Month Post-partum

Diabetes

This has been almost as much as a roller coaster as the hormones!  My insulin requirements were cut to 25% within hours of delivery.  I’ve been adjusting and trying to pay attention to it as much as I can, and I would estimate that I am taking about 30% of what I had been previously.  It’s amazing- like someone hit a switch and all of a sudden I’m back to my rates pre-pregnancy.  It’s also odd to not care as much… I spent the last 9 months analyzing numbers, trends, pre-meal, post-meal numbers- now it’s like ‘ok, 210, I can treat and scarf lunch with that number’.  Totally different from my management while carrying Maddie!  Probably a healthier perspective.  It’s more high/lows then I would like, but I figure this is probably the worst to try and figure out, so I’m just hanging in with the doctors advice and doing the best I can!

Baby

OHMYGOSH- she’s so cute!  Love, love, love her!  She’s got a lot of personality already- a fierce independent spirit, mixed with a healthy dose of sassiness!  Hmm.. wonder where she gets that!  When she’s pissed off, she looks so much like Brian that it’s crazy!

Likes: being held, eating!!!!, walking in the Moby wrap, riding in the car or stroller, MamaRoo swing, bath time!

Dislikes: having arms swaddled, napping, having nails filed, diaper changes

Momma’s Likes: that Maddie waits until Daddy gets home from work to blowout the diaper (3 days in a row!  Woohoo!).

And on that note, I can’t believe it’s already been a month!!

Or, should I say, how to survive a c-section ‘Mer Style’.

I wanted to put together a post on c-sections and c-section info and it kind of morphed into Maddie’s birth story.  Since I’m a little short on time, I’m just going to hit publish and you can read the first part on the c-section, or just skip down to the section on Maddie’s birthday!

Obviously everyone is different and you should always follow your doctors advice over anything I say here (unless your gut feeling is that they are completely wrong and then you should advocate for yourself and advocate strongly!).

I had the distinct advantage of booking my c-section weeks in advance, thanks to Maddie being frank breech for the entire last trimester.  That gave me plenty of time to plan for the procedure, ask lots of questions and make arrangements for help during recovery.  It doesn’t always work that way, and I think women that labor naturally and then have a c-section have a significantly tougher time recovering!

While each birth is unique and individual, hopefully these tips and my story will help you prepare for your own experience (or help you support a friend or family member when their time comes!).

Before They Slice 

I’m one of those people that really does best know exactly what’s going to happen, so in the weeks leading up to my scheduled c-section date, I peppered my doctor with questions to mentally prepare:

How long will Brian and I be separated?  20-30 minutes while they set the spinal block and prep the OR, then you’ll be together through the surgery and recovery before being moved to your room (unless your baby goes to the NICU…).

How long does the procedure take?  Generally less than an hour, about 15 minutes to deliver the baby and another 30 minutes to stitch me back up and prep me for moving to the recovery room.

What will it feel like when you are operating on me?  A LOT OF TUGGING.  Let me repeat that: A LOT OF TUGGING.  I was completely numb, from the boobs down, but I could feel my innards being rearranged and that was the worst part of the whole procedure.  It made me feel a little nauseous and it was at that point I requested some anti-barf medicine.  It only lasted for a few moments and I didn’t feel anything else for the rest of the procedure.

How big will the incision be?  Will you use stitches or staples and when will they be removed?  4-6″ along the bikini line (mine is already barely visible!!), and staples.  Staples were removed before I left the hospital.

Will my arms be tied down?  Answer for me was NO, but my doc said that it’s really up to the doctor and the hospital’s policies.

Where will I go for recovery?  Right where I started at check-in, right down the hall from the OR. And, my nurse that got me prepped for surgery, stayed with me through the procedure and was my recovery room nurse.  Very nice and streamlined.

How long will I be in recovery?  Standard is 2-3 hours, depending on your reaction to the meds and your ability to move your legs/butt.  You have to be able to lift your butt off the bed for them to dress your incision and put on some of the hospital’s nifty mesh panties for you to be moved to your hospital room.

How long will I be in the hospital?  96 hours or 4 nights is the MA standard.  Depending on your recovery, you can sometimes get away with 3 nights.

What do you advise for recovery at home?  This was an important question, because it helped me prep for what I would need in the weeks after surgery.  Avoiding stairs, lifting nothing heavier then baby (baby in carseat, if absolutely necessary), no driving until post-partum check, bleeding will continue, sleep whenever you can, if it hurts don’t do it!  She also advised that friends and family visits should be put off for a few weeks, whenever possible to give the most time for recovery (this is much easier said than done, which she acknowledged!).

In the weeks leading up to surgery, Brian and I kept up our usual routines. I continued to work out when I had the energy, attempted to eat as healthy as possible, and read what I could to prepare.  We also did those wild and crazy Type A+++ planner things like got our wills updated (and power of attorney docs), developed a plan of action if Madison needed additional medical care and we ended up separated in the recovery room (we did!), and how we wanted to handle family and friend’s requests for visits at the hospital and at home (less is more!), etc.

The day before surgery, I planned to eat lighter foods and GI friendly foods- I was very thankful I did in the first few days of recovery!  We dined on a lovely ‘last supper brunch’ and then I stuck to chicken noodle soup and jello for dinner.  Nothing after midnight and after several hours of not-at-all-restful sleep, it was 4am and time to shower with the hibiclens soap, blowdry my hair, break the rules with a little foundation and waterproof mascara, and head to the hospital.

Maddie’s Birthday

We checked into the hospital at 5:15am (8am scheduled procedure).  We waited about 15 minutes in the waiting area, before being escorted back to the pre-op prep/recovery area.  I changed into a lovely hospital gown and climbed into my hospital bed, where they got my hooked up with an IV in each arm, checked my blood pressure (140/90- highest reading of my entire pregnancy!!!),and my bloodsugar (165).  My OB showed up at about 6am and helped me adjust my insulin to get to her target of 110 for surgery.  She chatted with us for about 15-20 minutes, answered some last minute questions, and then went to check on a few patients before coming back to check on us.

I didn’t expect to see her before surgery, but seeing her really put me at ease.  She was relaxed, excited to meet the baby, and happy to answer some of our last minute questions.  I have to say, of the entire process, that 2 hours in pre-op, is the blurriest in my mind. I know there were lots of doctors/nurses that were in to do their pre-op procedures and I really don’t remember any of it.  I do remember thinking that Brian looked more emotional and more nervous than I had ever seen him.  I actually remember being more worried about him then me or Maddie!  I was hoping that he didn’t pass out in the OR, but then I was also mentally working on blog post titles if he did!  Dad Down! was the winning one…

Then it was 8:05 and go time!  My OB was annoyed that we were a few minutes late, since they had an emergency c-section that was taking precedence in the second OR.  I walked from the recovery room to the OR and climbed on the operating table myself.  I remember the spinal block- oh, how uncomfortable.  They numbed the area, but I could still feel a painful sensation in my back (hindsight is 20/20, that sensation would be when they punctured the outer layer of my spine and caused the spinal leak…).  I communicated what I was feeling to the anesthesiologists so they knew how I was feeling…

Once I was numb, they laid me down, put the privacy drape up and got to work.  The only real memory I have of the procedure is the tugging.  It really felt like my entire lower half was being rearranged and it was the only time that I felt momentarily sick.  Not sure if that went away because I screamed for anti-vom drugs or if it just passed!

Brian joined me shortly after that and it feels like we blinked and our OB was telling us to get ready to meet our daughter!  I remember hearing her yell and my OB chuckling at her being upset for being pulled out butt first.

I listened intently for her APGAR score to make sure she was OK and healthy!  An 8 and then a 9, had this mom breathing easier!  She was only away from us for a few moments while they measured and weighed her, tested her and then she was back in our arms.  I was too busy being focused on baby to pay any attention to what was going on with my own procedure.  I remember the kindness of the anesthesiologist (this would be the same one that got the ‘wrath of Mer’ when he had to place an emergency spinal patch) and how he talked us through the procedure and made sure that Brian was comfortable and in a good spot (read: not able to see the blood and guts).  He also helped position Brian so that I could see Maddie and touch her when we were able to hold and cuddle her.

Before long, I was all stitched up and transferred to a hospital bed.  Maddie was placed on my chest and we were wheeled down the hall- right back to the same pre-op recovery area where we started the morning.

There are a few ‘take aways’ that I have from this experience:

1) Advocate for yourself and ask lots of questions.  And, if you are unable, empower an advocate to do it on your behalf (Brian!).

2) Move as soon as you can!  I was up and out of bed (into a wheelchair) about 6 hours after surgery.  It wasn’t comfortable, I didn’t feel so hot, but mentally it was a huge hurdle in recovery that made it easier every time I got out of bed after that…

3) Treat your pain.  I’m into minimal drugs, less is definitely more, but when I was uncomfortable I took the meds I needed to, which helped me recovery quicker and get moving again.

4) Limit your visitors at the hospital.  I underestimated what was required for my recovery.  Sure, we were there for 4 days, but those 4 days were solidly spent on recovery and learning about how to care for an infant.  There was NO (literally, there was NO) time for socializing or visiting.  It might seem cruel and you might get some serious pushback, but I would highly recommend visitors wait until you are home!

Ok, that’s all I’ve got for now.

Our journey will continue later this week (or early next week!) with the Maddie’s Birth/Breastfeeding Chronicles, Part 1.

XOXO, Mer

So, I’ve tried to write this a few times, and all I can think of as a way to start is ” … it was the best of times, it was the worst of times…”.

I’m pretty sure that good ol’ Dickens wasn’t talking about settling in with a newborn, but man he could have been!

There is a part of me, the ‘heart’ part that is on cloud 9.  I’m constantly amazed that after 39 weeks of cooking, that this adorable little human is now here.  She has the funniest expressions, is full of personality and farts like an old man.  We’ve been pissed on, shit on and still you look at her face and just laugh it off (this is easier with the ‘laundry fairy’ still here!).

Yesterday, she went through 3 outfits and I went through 2 (and I’m pretty sure I probably had baby piss all down my jeans, but I never had a chance to change them…).  I probably would have slept in them, but I stumbled over a pair of black yoga pants on my way to bed last night…

Sometimes she looks like me, other times she looks so much like Brian that it brings tears to my eyes (see below comments about hormonal roller coaster).  She’s already growing- an inch taller, several ounces heavier (almost back up to birth weight!) and her feet and head are bigger!  She’s outgrowing her newborn clothes already- insane!

Sometimes we just sit on the couch and cuddle.  She nuzzles into my neck, sighs deeply, then lets out the loudest, wettest fart you’ve ever heard and all of a sudden I’m sprinting to the changing table trying to save whatever cute outfit she’s wearing.  And then Bri and I start to giggle, argue over whose turn it is to change her (HIS!), and start the process all over again!  The little ‘real life’ moments seem bigger and better.  The things that used to irk me (piles of laundry, clutter, dirty floors) don’t seem to bother me as much, and instead I’m content to sit on the couch and cuddle.

But, it’s not all cute baby cuddles, adorable little ruffly outfits and kisses!

The ‘worst part’.  The exhaustion, the constant stream of visitors, the hormonal roller coaster, and the challenges that change daily.  Someone told me that the first month is just about ‘survival’.  It’s about putting everyone that visits to work (even just holding the baby while you shower or helping with some laundry/chores), letting go of your previous ‘standards’ (like dirty kitchen floors and unvacuumed rugs), and just powering through the fatigue.

That person was SO right.

It is about survival.  It’s about caring for your baby and yourself.  In that order, with no other details involved.  To hell with everyone and everything else.  And, that doesn’t even include c-section recovery or breast infections- lol, the other part of this fun package!  And, it’s about crying.  Randomly, frequently, for no reason at all?!  You can actually feel the hormonal surges as your body adjusts to not being pregnant.  I’m not going to call it postpartum depression, but I’ve definitely struggled with the ‘baby blues’.  Questioning if I’m doing things ‘right’, or if I’m doing everything I can for my baby.  Feeling overwhelmed, exhausted and struggling with huge changes in life.  It’s been manageable with a well-balanced diet (chips and chocolate), some fresh air and sunshine, a hot shower with blaring country music and a power nap on the couch with a sleeping baby rocking nearby.  Oh, and an amazingly supportive husband who laughs (or cries) with me- whenever I need it!  And, a mother  (Gigi!!) who has been a miracle worker these last 10 days- doing laundry, dishes, diaper changes, de-cluttering, whatever needed to be done!

I worried before I had Maddie about how I would shift my priorities (finding balance will be a conversation for another day… in a few months!), and in all honesty, it just happens.  It’s like someone flipped a switch and made her my number one priority from the moment my OB held her around the drape in the OR.  I felt it building with the pregnancy and the added challenges of being a type 1 diabetic, but I’m shocked at the immediate and fierce change after she was born.

All in all, the ‘worst’ parts aren’t so bad, and I’m pretty sure these aren’t the things we’ll remember when we look back at Maddie’s first weeks at home!  I suspect in large part because we are so tired right now, I can’t remember most of the details of what I did yesterday…  Like most memories, the good will overtake the bad, and the love and emotion that have filled our lives these past few weeks will override the stress and fatigue!

So, now that I’m starting to get into a grove, I’m going to prep some additional posts for you.  I’d like to recap my c-section and offer some tips for recovery, etc.  I’d also like to share some of the products that have made our first few weeks easier (HINT: YOU NEED THIS!).  Eventually I’ll get back into the swing of regular posts- and I’m itching to start stitching again!  Hang in there with me, and check back frequently!

XO, Mer

P.S.  If you have any tips for the first few weeks with a newborn- share them!  I’d love to hear what worked for you!